I have just received a comment on my Macmillan site that really pleases me and I love it when someone from out there tells me how they feel as I then don’t feel so alone
Thank you for writing this as I can relate to some of what you are saying. Whilst I am far luckier than you – diagnosed Stage 4 bowel cancer with liver mets, I am being treated with curative intent but it is still an unknown quantity.
I too have been told how well I look and am happy in one way that I don’t look ill, but I want to scream – but you don’t know how it feels.
Expressing our feelings is important both as a release of pent up emotions and so that others can understand that cancer not only interferes with our physical functions but our physogolocical ones too.
Sometimes I feel that people are being patronising – they are not intending to be but their ignorance of cancer and it’s ramifications leads them to come out with the same old cliches.
The one thing that should support you and hopefully, relieve you of some of your feelings of isolation is that plenty of people on this site can identify with your feelings and that in reality you are not on your own.
I pray that you manage to keep that “nasty” at bay and continue enjoying life for a long time to come and that the happiness that you come across manages to conceal the ‘menace’ that hangs over you so that you can truly enjoy your life.
Thankyou for your thoughts and wishing you a peaceful and Happy 2011.
Another night where I cant sleep its because I have been thinking and worrying why my neighbour has acted the way she has.
I was maybe in the wrong that I should have left Dave and Ray and gone to see her but we were on our dog walk and I have to muster all my energy to do that, as I get the shakes on a walk , as I have often talked about.
I then got to thinking that Im always so frightened about setting my nasty off and waking him up to carry on and do his worse.
I don’t talk about that side so much do I.
People keep saying how well I look and I do just want to look normal, be normal, as most of the time Iam normal, but then sometimes I feel so lonely as Im fighting a Cancer that there is no cure for.
I don’t give into the question “Why me” but always thinking how can I help people to understand, but then I don’t understand any of this myself.
I can only keep writing about how I feel and hope that will help others.
I get tired of the worry of how long have I got, all this “live for today” has made my world very artificial, as I strive to live a very selfish life where I do everything I want to do to make my life so exciting.
I have written a book, been in magazines and local papers and become almost a celebrity, how artificial is that and yet at the back of it all its because Im screaming “Bloody Asbestos please be aware how terrible it is and what a pretty name Mesothelioma for a dreadful disease” A word I never knew about until I heard it in the hospital 1.5 years ago.
I remember all my life as it plays in front of my eyes all the people I have met and all the places I have been to. The world is a wonderful place if you just live out your own life and stop worry about how others spoil it for you and yours.
If you are a caring person then you do try and speak up and say stop, so I’m saying stop, please stop and think of others and ban Asbestos Mines and also please find a cure for us.
We lost another warrior yesterday, so that’s 2 that we know of since Christmas and there must be so many more who are fighting tonight for a gasp of fresh air to fill their lungs.
So you see I feel set apart from the ordinary day to day that others around me in their Parkhomes are living.
They get up and do their housework and tidy their gardens go shopping and then sit around watching telly a lovely relaxing slow life while my life is flashing before me a rate of knots knowing that line 2 of Chemo is just round the corner.
Hey I have got very thoughtful haven’t I but maybe that’s how it goes that you have to let these thoughts out so that you relax and muster up the fight.
There are no set rules to this and its very rare that people sit down and write about how they feel but somehow I can and so I do and I hope that helps someone, somewhere to say, Yes that’s how I feel.
We are coming to a New Year again 2011 is here so my wish is that we all live the year to the best we know how and may it be a Healthy and Prosperous year for everybody.
I was going through some old Photos and found this one of Ray Presenting his Portrait painting of Lord Bath to the great man himself.
he was so pleased with it he has hung it in his Private apartments
I have taken all the decorations down how sad but we are away for New Year to a MCC Rally so I thought it a good idea to really tidy up but as I say how sad.
As I was packing them away I was wondering for a fleeting moment whether I would be hanging them out again next year, as I say a fleeting moment that passes over you brain and you have to shake that moment off.
I soon got my thoughts together again and had a good tidy through.
I answered all my emails and did a twitter and a chat on my Forum and Facebook and had some lunch.
Then a strange thing happened.
We took the dog for a walk and met our good neighbour Dave as he had been visiting a Parkhome down the road.
Another neighbour came into view and called out I will see you when you get back. I waved and carried on talking and took the dog for a walk.
Came back and had a drink and told Ray I will go and see if she was OK and what it was all about.
Her husband answered the door “Is everything OK only she wanted to see me” “No she didnt” “but she called out ” No she didnt” “is she OK ” Yes she is fine” Oh OK then” I came back in doors completely unnerved .
“Was it me getting it wrong” “No” said Ray
Now that has really become a mystery to me and I hope it is explained to me soon or I will think Im going mad, and I dont really think that.
Lots of films on telly and now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrnoR9cBP3o
Love all the music from Mary Poppins, so cheerful.
Well I have a shepherds Pie to make as we need a change from all the Roast Dinners and cold meat
I have felt tired today and my throat is gravelly and dry hope there is no cold coming I want to enjoy new Year
My friend Rod has found this and I have agreed with him it is the song for Mesothelioma xxxxx